Let's Be Real Here

KATE: He had scars on his hands from graft-versus-host. I could feel them when we were holding hands.
ANNA:Was that weird?
KATE: It was kind of like we matched. 

(Source: salgrons)

I feel out of control

This body is not mine, it’s an unwanted burden weighing me down. My eyes are so heavy they feel like they might fall out of my head. I kind of feel like I can’t move-can’t breathe. I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t feel stable. I don’t feel like me. I’m completely sober and I know that’s not the problem, so what is?

“I think that life is extremely unusual, and I find it a bit bizarre that people are so afraid of being bizarre. Why would anyone be afraid to be who they are? It’s cruel that this is what it has come to. It’s cruel that humans are in no control of whether they are happy or sad, but yet others still get mad at them for the way they feel. That’s like getting upset with someone for being a brunette. That’s ridiculous. I also find it quite ridiculous that when I wake up my first thought is “fuck why aren’t I dead.” This life is beautiful, and unique and there are so many wonderful things to enjoy and experience but I seem to be incapable of enjoying anything the majority of the time. And that makes me so mad. Not as mad as I get about the fact that I rarely get mad at people who break my trust, lie to me, or treat me wrongly. I get so mad at myself for not being able to stand up for myself when they treat me like there personal puppet. The anger quickly evolves into sadness. I’m always sad. And then whenever I think about you I get more sad. I’m never not thinking about you. I hate that. You made me so happy; my life feels so meaningless without you. I kept telling myself it would get better, and I’d see why this had to happen to us and I’d go on great young adventures, but that’s not happening. I look and I look and all I see is grey. I feel like my will to exist is slipping away. I don’t want to die but I hate being alive. If that’s what you’d call this, I wouldn’t. I may be alive but this can’t be what living is. No, I’m just existing and I seek to do so much more than that. I want to feel, I want to live but when I try I can feel my internal dullness and lack of drive. You saved me from myself the first time-you came out of nowhere and made my life so much better. But I’m not expecting my happiness to come from anyone else, I know it needs to come from me. But I have to admit it really hurts that nobody tries, nobody seems to care when I cry. My emotions and my thoughts are so confusing and constantly changing and it’s so exhausting to try to keep up with that.”

I’m wearing away, it’s just a matter of days

I’m still falling in love with you. And that’s the problem. We’re broken up, you’ve moved on, you’re happy with someone else. But whenever I hear your name, see your face, or talk to you about whatever all those qualities that I fell in love with pop up and make me fall in love all over again. I tell you you’re not the problem, because we’re friends and that helps, but my heart is breaking every day. I’m hurt, and sad, and I just want my girlfriend back. But she’s not my girlfriend anymore, and it hurts way more than I ever thought that it would.

I want to die, the feelings just not going away. All the happy moments are reaching me but they’re not touching me. They’re only going halfway. I can’t eve say what’s wrong, it’s all wrong. Feeling like this is wrong. Everything’s wrong. I can have a good day, but at the end of it I still want to die. I don’t know how that works, but for some reason it’s happening. I don’t want it to be this way, I want to be happy. I don’t want to live. But I want to want to live.

You were a blessing in disguise you made me realize that even though my life seems so tragic it really isn’t that dramatic you opened my ears to the sweet sound of music and opened my heart to the sweet sense of your love and one day oh one day I hope I will get to experience the sweet sense of your touch.

Who am I kidding

I think I’m okay, I convince myself and others that I’m okay. But who am I kidding? The second I hear your name, see old pictures of us, or see one of the stuffed animals you gave me, suddenly I’m not okay. I’m horrible. Terrible. Heart broken. Devastated. Absolutely a wreck.

Today’s one of those days where I miss you once again. Where every time I close my eyes I can see you looking at me with that loving, passionate look of yours. I can’t stop thinking about the way your hugs felt, or how your voice was like heavens song. How you wiped my tears away and made everything alright once again. I don’t need you. I think I’ve come to this conclusion. But something that I can’t deny is that I want you so desperately that even the things I used to love so much are nothing anymore. Nothing means anything anymore, without you.

I need to scream to let out my rage. I need to cry to let out my pain. I need to cut just above my vein, so I don’t end up going insane.