I’m wearing away, it’s just a matter of days
I’m still falling in love with you. And that’s the problem. We’re broken up, you’ve moved on, you’re happy with someone else. But whenever I hear your name, see your face, or talk to you about whatever all those qualities that I fell in love with pop up and make me fall in love all over again. I tell you you’re not the problem, because we’re friends and that helps, but my heart is breaking every day. I’m hurt, and sad, and I just want my girlfriend back. But she’s not my girlfriend anymore, and it hurts way more than I ever thought that it would.
I want to die, the feelings just not going away. All the happy moments are reaching me but they’re not touching me. They’re only going halfway. I can’t eve say what’s wrong, it’s all wrong. Feeling like this is wrong. Everything’s wrong. I can have a good day, but at the end of it I still want to die. I don’t know how that works, but for some reason it’s happening. I don’t want it to be this way, I want to be happy. I don’t want to live. But I want to want to live.
You were a blessing in disguise you made me realize that even though my life seems so tragic it really isn’t that dramatic you opened my ears to the sweet sound of music and opened my heart to the sweet sense of your love and one day oh one day I hope I will get to experience the sweet sense of your touch.
I think I’m okay, I convince myself and others that I’m okay. But who am I kidding? The second I hear your name, see old pictures of us, or see one of the stuffed animals you gave me, suddenly I’m not okay. I’m horrible. Terrible. Heart broken. Devastated. Absolutely a wreck.
Today’s one of those days where I miss you once again. Where every time I close my eyes I can see you looking at me with that loving, passionate look of yours. I can’t stop thinking about the way your hugs felt, or how your voice was like heavens song. How you wiped my tears away and made everything alright once again. I don’t need you. I think I’ve come to this conclusion. But something that I can’t deny is that I want you so desperately that even the things I used to love so much are nothing anymore. Nothing means anything anymore, without you.
I need to scream to let out my rage. I need to cry to let out my pain. I need to cut just above my vein, so I don’t end up going insane.
I spent the past year of my life worshiping and adoring someone with all of my heart, constantly looking past the fact that she had only given me some of hers while I was completely exposed. She held the obvious beauty, the type of beauty that everyone sees, but on top of that there was something unique in her presence and her overall existence. She didn’t make the room shine, she didn’t have a constant smile, and her eyes weren’t filled with happiness or glee. Her smile was a gift, and when you saw it, it was one of the most beautiful sites you’ve ever seen. She had a different look in her eye, and held a look that appeared to be that something was missing. And when you noticed that you prayed and hoped that you could make that look in her eyes complete. Her beauty caught my attention, but her personality is what trapped me and sucked me in. Now over a year later and she still has all of me, but she wants none of it. I don’t know what it is about her that I feel like I need so desperately, but maybe that’s what I want most of all, is to know what it is about her that I need. And maybe eventually realize that I don’t need it at all.